Emotion

My grandpa is one of my biggest male role models and a person I spent most of my life with growing up. I remember, when I was young, I would stand on the fireplace and sing him “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” He loved my voice and I loved to sing for him, we connected on almost every level.

On January 12, 2014, my Grandpa died at age 67. I didn’t cry at his funeral.

In fact, it took me until my senior year in high school to properly acknowledge his passing. Opening night of spring musical, I was the lead, I would be singing and dancing in front of hundreds of people. But I was only performing for one single person, my Grandpa. The overture began and I was standing in the wings trying, for the millionth time in my life, not to cry. “This one is for you Papa,” I whispered and exhaled, it was time to sing for him one last time.

I tell this story for multiple reasons. The first being so you can get to know me. Until very recently I never spoke of my emotions or feelings in any capacity. I was closed off to everyone in my life friends, family, even the priests in confessionals at school. For fucks sake, I didn’t even cry at the funeral of one of the most important people in my life. Another reason being this line, “trying, for the millionth time in my life, not to cry.” Clearly, I had a huge problem with showing emotions outwardly. I can tell you I also had an immense problem showing emotions inwardly. I would do absolutely anything to oppress or doge my feelings. At a young age, I decided I wasn’t going to cry in front of anyone because crying shows weakness and I did not want to be labeled as weak. In fact, I prided myself in being that little girl at the doctor’s office that could get a shot and not even blink. I was always tough and adults were always impressed. So, not crying became my thing. I was never sad and didn’t share my feelings or emotions with anyone.

I’m not one to have regrets about my past, but if there is one thing I would like to redo it would be my grandfather’s funeral. I want to go back and properly say goodbye and cry and grieve the loss of a very important person in my life. I’ve learned something in my more recent years, it’s okay to cry. In fact, crying and being sad is a beautiful thing. A thing that is necessary to heal and help yourself advance past terrible, very dark times in your life.

So, this takes me to emotions and the image at the top of the page with this quote written on smooth pink tiles. “Why am I so emotional?” a question I find myself asking a lot as of late. A line I found myself singing teary eyed in the passenger seat of my mom’s car after having my heart broken. Wait, rewind. Did I just say I was crying in front of my mom? Yes, I did. And to be very honest with you it was one of the most freeing, real, raw moments of my life. After dumping my heart out to both my mother and father about a relationship I was in, I just sat and cried. Not only was I honest with my word, but I was also honest with my physical emotions.

I found out that you can’t do it alone. Separating yourself is not healthy for you or other people. Thank god I had my parents to go to after having an extremely rough moment with another important person in my life. And more than that, my parents were extremely happy to be there for me emotionally, and even happier I was letting them in emotionally. I write about all of this and tell these stories to get my point across. Emotions are essential to a happy and healthy life. Being emotional is so amazing because it allows for the people in your life to get to know you better. In a previous piece (“Emotional Vulnerability”) I discussed the importance of showing others your “open-heart emotions” because that is when they finally know you most genuinely.

I am happy to say that I have evolved immensely since that day where I stood in the wings holding back tears. I have learned the importance of being emotional. Emotion is a part of being human and there is no reason to ever feel ashamed of your own feelings. So, why am I so emotional? Because I don’t ever want to miss out an opportunity to cry and be blue about something sad in my life. Because never again do I not want to cry at a funeral. I am emotional because I am human and have learned the importance of a support system, sharing your feelings, and grieving.