FROM THE DESK OF AMANDA
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Naturally, I have a best friend who likes to write just as much as I do. So, I thought it was only fitting to share with you her work at the "typewriter" as well. Here's from the desk of Amanda, enjoy.
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Thursday, June 22, 2017
Crying in the bathtub to Perfect Places and Possession is what
happens when Amanda doesn’t journal for a couple weeks. I do this to sort
through my thoughts, to understand myself, to not be too numb to myself, to be
in touch with myself and the things I feel. If I don’t do this, I don’t know
where I am. And currently, I really don’t. Things assault me out of the blue
and I don’t understand why. So, let’s try to understand at least what happened
tonight. I let things build, and I know that I shouldn’t do that. So here we
are. At least I know myself enough to know what music is the medicine I need.
And tonight, I needed Perfect Places. I discovered that amazing, touching,
affecting performance of Lorde’s the other night, and it had been a while since
something had made me feel an emotion like that, which may have triggered this.
This is minor, I can feel that, but I need to acknowledge where I am. To feel
myself.
Every night, I live and die
Feel the party to my bones
Watch the wasters blow the speakers
Spill my guts beneath the outdoor light
It's just another graceless night
I hate the headlines and the weather
I'm nineteen and I'm on fire
But when we're dancing I'm alright
It's just another graceless night
Feel the party to my bones
Watch the wasters blow the speakers
Spill my guts beneath the outdoor light
It's just another graceless night
I hate the headlines and the weather
I'm nineteen and I'm on fire
But when we're dancing I'm alright
It's just another graceless night
Are you lost enough?
Have another drink, get lost in us
This is how we get notorious, oh
'Cause I don't know
If they keep tellin' me where to go
I'll blow my brains out to the radio, oh
Have another drink, get lost in us
This is how we get notorious, oh
'Cause I don't know
If they keep tellin' me where to go
I'll blow my brains out to the radio, oh
All of the things we're taking
'Cause we are young and we're ashamed
Send us to perfect places
All of our heroes fading
Now I can't stand to be alone
Let's go to perfect places
'Cause we are young and we're ashamed
Send us to perfect places
All of our heroes fading
Now I can't stand to be alone
Let's go to perfect places
Every night, I live and die
Meet somebody, take 'em home
Let's kiss and then take off our clothes
It's just another graceless night, 'cause
Meet somebody, take 'em home
Let's kiss and then take off our clothes
It's just another graceless night, 'cause
All of the things we're taking
'Cause we are young and we're ashamed
Send us to perfect places
All of our heroes fading
Now I can't stand to be alone
Let's go to perfect places
'Cause we are young and we're ashamed
Send us to perfect places
All of our heroes fading
Now I can't stand to be alone
Let's go to perfect places
All the nights spent off our faces
Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?
All the nights spent off our faces
Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?
All the nights spent off our faces
Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?
Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?
All the nights spent off our faces
Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?
All the nights spent off our faces
Trying to find these perfect places
What the fuck are perfect places anyway?
Every. Single. Lyric. In the song speaks to my soul. It is
directly affecting me. I feel as though Lorde knows my soul and is almost
writing the things I never even knew I felt. And then you watch the performance
of the song on Fallon and you just don’t even know what to do with yourself or
where to go from here because you never knew someone could understand so
perfectly. Never knew the feelings and the nights could create such art, be
expressed in such words. The red highlighted lyrics burn into the core of my
being, and I physically feel them pulling on my soul, because they simply speak
to me on such a high level. I feel so compelled by the song… I’m turning it on
now.
She talks about the way society sucks, and hating the news and the
weather. She is my age… and when she says she’s on fire I feel what she means.
Exactly. I am on fire. So many things burning inside me… feelings, emotion of
so many different colors… love burning red, happiness burning yellow, confusion
burning green, sadness burning blue, loneliness burning black, and wild burning
orange.
And then she says “when we’re dancing I’m alright” because when we
dance and we have a fun night and let ourselves get absorbed in our
surroundings and the people… and the boys around us, nothing else matters. It
all melts away and we are in this perfect place… that’s what I think she’s
talking about… those perfect places we try to find, away from it all, where
things are just being. Not badly, but well.
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Amanda x
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
I say that I am ready for love, not entirely
knowing what it is. Well actually, I cannot be ready for love, but I am capable
of it, and capable of a relationship. That is the place I am in. because I
cannot be ready for love if I have never known it. And this comes back to what
I said before. I may not have ever seen or experienced real, pure love, but I
know what it is not, and I know how to avoid it.
If I can bear a relationship, can I bear the
consequences? Am I ready to be heartbroken, and have that pain to work through.
I’m going to say yes, I am. I am ready to experience all the new emotions
waiting for me because I know that while I may be hurting, I will never be
completely broken. I won't be bearing the entire pain of my whole life built up
and never dealt with on top of heartbreak, now that would be unbearable. I will
also always have myself, because even in the loneliest of times, I have always
and will always have myself. And I am enough. I am enough on my own, because I
am doing my best. This is why I am ready.
And just like Maddie mentioned in her writing
today, heartbreak teaches you a lot about yourself. Maybe I don’t need a
heartbreak to learn everything she has because I’ve experienced enough pain
throughout my life in other ways, but even so, it is never a bad thing to explore
yourself even more than ever before. To learn more about the complexities of
the self is an astounding phenomenon. It is fascinating to explore our complex
selves, and discover new things all the time. I find this release in writing,
as I have figured out as of late.
There is also this: "When everything is strung from
passion, feelings get hurt easily. I’ve come to learn that there is no way to
fix that, only adapt to it. And though you may be incredibly connected with
your lover, they will never understand your mind perfectly." I think this is very important. It will be interesting
to see how I adapt to pure passion, something incredibly new. I have a feeling
it will give me a sort of high that I will never want to end. But then when I
come down from the high, and feelings get hurt, adapting to those feelings and
to dealing with them will be something I will just need to experience in order
to learn how to deal with it.
The second part is very important to keep in
mind. No matter how connected you may be with someone, you are still your own,
yourself. No one will ever be you, so no one will ever completely understand
you. And similarly, no matter how much you think so, you will never fully
understand someone else. In love, I believe you simply choose to embrace that
other soul, because it fits into yours. Your souls are very similar, but the
differences fit together like puzzle pieces, and you find yourself embracing
the other person, their life, their body, their personality, and their soul.
I speak about all of this like I know what I am
talking about, but in reality, I could be totally and completely wrong. I will
not know until I experience it, love. But I have a feeling it is coming, and
like I have mentioned, I have learned to trust myself because I am usually
right. So, in conclusion, I think all this self-exploration on these pages this
is just prep work. I am preparing for the future I know is coming. Doing my
best to become my best self for the future I feel coming, so it can be
fulfilled to the fullest extent. And so, I can say I tried. Because if I try,
if I leap and it doesn’t work, then it’s not on me. If I did my best, I can say
that I did and I will not have any regrets. I can give my best self to the
situations that come before me, and I can say that I tried. And if I can do
that, then hopefully I will never lose myself. Without regret, I can say that I
really did everything I could, and it just was not enough. Not that I wasn’t
enough, but that it was not meant to be. Because giving my all and my best self
to the right situation WILL be enough. I just need to remember to not give it
completely away, and not to the wrong situation. This is the hard part. Keeping
myself. If a situation calls for more than I have, it is not my place and I need
to recognize that, and keep me for what is my place. My place will come. I have
faith.
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Amanda x
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
What is it to love? I have never been taught how
to love. It’s all new to me. I have never seen true love first hand. That is
probably why it’s been so difficult to get to the place I am in. I have no idea
what I am preparing for. I have only seen hurt, and pain, and toxic love. Never
anything real, true and pure. Which is the only type of love I want. The other
types are not worth my time. They aren’t true, which can only end badly. Maybe
that’s where my mom has a point when she tells me I will have one and done. Not
that I’ll never see more than one person, but that I’ll never waste my time on
fake, impure love, which is good, because I know exactly what to avoid. That’s
what my childhood has taught me. It reminds me of what might be the best piece
of advice I have ever received: my grandpa told me that you learn from your
parents no matter what, either what to do, or what not to do. I will never
forget that. I have seen and experienced the pain associated with toxic love,
and I know how to avoid that. I have learned how to avoid it through myself and
seeing what not to do. Never be passive about anything that happens to you. If
it’s not what you want, change it. I will only accept the love I deserve, like
Perks said. And I know what I deserve. I am not conceited, only unwilling to
accept something that is not right for me.
I think I will know what love is someday. What it
will feel like. That is one feeling I will not know until it happens. But I can
only imagine. If love is the epitome of life, it can only be the best feeling
in the world. Christ, it’s the only feeling in the world. The only thing that
is ever written about and sang about and talked about, essentially. So, when I
experience true love someday, I know it will be full. I know I will be in love
with being in love. And I will be fulfilled. However, it is important to
remember that romantic love cannot be the only thing that fills me up. I am to
be full on my own first, which I know I am capable of, and I am believe I am,
or at least am very close right now.
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Amanda x