Drowning

I like water.

One night I found myself in my bathtub, completely submerged under the water. I couldn’t hear anything. For once, I had complete silence. Not a single noise from the outside world or from inside my head. For some reason, water has the ability to do that for me, to silence things, to keep me from feeling my pain. I use water to drown out my thoughts and override my emotions. Just as water can physically drown a person, I use it to drown myself mentally. Often when I start crying, I get into the shower. Chest heaving, throat closing, tears running down my face, I just stand there letting the water hit me, covering up all my feelings. I cover it all up with water, I drown it all out with the water. As the water hits my face, the tears disappear, wetness dilutes everything. I don’t have to admit to that feeling of the tears running down my face, the pain pouring out of my eyes, because everything is just water.

           

I physically and figuratively drown out the world, my problems, and my emotions with water so I don’t have to address my pain. And that is what the world is right now for me: pain, and confusion. I submerge myself in water to avoid the world. Why? Because I’m scared of being honest with myself and dealing with deep-seeded issues that I have. The world is pain and confusion because of me, because I simply do not know how to handle myself. I create silence, I drown my thoughts and people out on purpose.